My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Cats (2019)
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.