diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
don’t we all
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.