How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.