I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
You Might Also Like
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
LOL!
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese