Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?