If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
You Might Also Like
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
cyclists
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My work here is done
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
what it’s like dating me:
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.