I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
You Might Also Like
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
yes… yes…
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian