Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Namaste
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy