*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?