Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
You Might Also Like
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo