When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.