Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt