Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Called it
congratulations to them
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The days of good grammer has went
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂