You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…