[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.