True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…