why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You Might Also Like
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I needed a laugh this morning.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days