[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild