I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*