I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life