ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Ketchup isn鈥檛 food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I鈥檓 afraid they鈥檇 make me into a lampshade
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child鈥檚 plate and almost got away with it.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I told y鈥檃ll leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 馃槶
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
馃槀
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
hitman: clearly you can鈥檛 afford my rates so i鈥檓 referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell