Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro