KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
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EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.