I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
#parenting
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife