Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
ok like just. call me at this point
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm