My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read