Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
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Who’s your best friend?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Phonetics
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.