Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
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3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.