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Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products