If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours