You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts