The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.