security at the airport getting more straightforward
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.