who wants to go expliring
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“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
This is sending me to another galaxy
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.