“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap