Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.