Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.