*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
IT’S-A ME,
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago