Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Effort made
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
wtf is an acronym
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.