Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
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“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?