I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
You Might Also Like
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me as a therapist: omg same
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Good Morning.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?