It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.