I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Interior design 👌
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.