5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
He-man has a Masters degree
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.