I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Strange
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity