Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?