Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
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BaD BoY!!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Who called it baking and not making love
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
put ‘er there pardner!
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey