I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I never needed anything more in my life
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
it’s the silliest best thing
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.