Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
the short answer to this question
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.