director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
can I use a minion as a tampon
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.